Neanderthal Wanted

Dear Jim Brady:

I hear you’re looking for a new conservative blogger for Wasingtonpost.com. Well, look no further, sir: I am your man.

I will write you the most knuckle-dragging, lib-hating, thick skulled blog in the world, and we can call it Redder State.

Now, look, I was raised in Kansas. I mean, how much redder and flippin’ American can you get than Kansas? It’s in the heart-most of the heartland, the middle of the map. I simply feel the soul of Red State America in my bones, sir.

Things I like include Bush, war, torture, beer, hot chicks, the flag, bear meat, Fox News, crossbow hunting, Jesus, SUVs, the NSA and both readin’ and writin’.

Things I hate and like to complain about are the Martin Luther King, Jr. family, the Clintons, pacifists, civil rights pushers, the French, gun grabbers, Katrina victims and those bloggers who drug down that fine young plagiarist, Domenech, and who now want you to resign for some reason.

Can’t you see how I’d be the perfect voice to balance out all those pantywaist “journalists” at your paper, with their B.S. degrees or whatever? I eat bear meat, man.

While I don’t have an extensive writing sample, I realize that the quality of my writing isn’t really what you’re interested in. Sh*t, everybody knows liberals are way better writers than conservatives! No, what you want is a presence at the Post that will make all my racist, warmongering, gay-hating compatriots pick up the Washington Post and say to themselves, “Hey, this is my kind of paper!”

Mr. Brady, I am available for an interview and await your call. You don’t care about references, right?